I have never been in love. I’ve never had a relationship last long enough to ever get past lust. I don’t think I have any passions I would consider a love either.
A first love should be something that consumes you to the point of nothing else. I have never felt anything like that in my life – unless of course you consider my ego. But I don’t think I’m a narcissist, at least, I hope I’m not. I may joke about such things, but I honestly don’t think I’m all that.
I will take that back, I did have an all-consuming love at one point in my life. I was very young and naive. This woman was my everything. She gave me life. Gave me everything I could ever need. Not everything I wanted, but everything I needed. She could do no wrong.
But as with all first loves that changed in a moment so swift and sudden, I still reel from it today. The idea that someone’s complete love could be ripped from you so suddenly and without warning rattles my soul.
My mother wasn’t around a lot when I was young, but I knew she loved me, cared for me and that I was worth something to her. I was eager to see her when she’d return. I loved to sit and listen to her stories. But the day I sparked… the day my magic put her life in danger, it all ended.
My mother had a rough start to life as well. Her family was obliterated by a rogue werewolf. The Venatori hunter who saved her took her home and the Venatori gave her a home and helped her through her tragic loss. They gave her life and purpose, and in return, she gave them the best years of her life. She hunted for them.
But in their care and help, they made her afraid of the supernatural. They made her leery of anything and all things unpredictable. And what is more, unpredictable than a 5-year old who can start fires with a mere thought. I was untrained; I didn’t know any better and I had been afraid. My mother had a temper, but she loved me and only got angry when I did things wrong. It was a five-year old’s naivety, but it was my truth.
She ripped that truth from me and left me with a stranger. She packed me up on a plane, drugged me as I kicked and screamed so I would be quiet. Yeah, I have mommy issues. That’s why there has been no first love for me – everyone leaves. There is no security in others, only in myself. But that doesn’t stop the loneliness.