Thursday, May 26th, 2005
It’s late. Margo wants me to keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings as part of my long distance therapy. Tomorrow I leave right after my Ad Aetatam. I’m not looking forward to the stupid ceremony but it is tradition. Tonight I ate dinner with my parents – BOTH of my parents.
WTF? Who the hell is my father? Why do I care who he is? Dae’lin insisted I go to dinner with them. She gave me money and everything. She even made the reservations at a riverside market where my mother wanted us to meet. Dae’lin made me walk my mother there. She wanted me to be a proper gentleman. I did it because Dae’lin asked.
This meeting pushed my anxiety levels to a new all-time high. Thirteen years and change passed since my mother left me with a strange man at the airport terminal. He was nice – then. It has been a long time since I’ve thought about him. Margo transferred me to a different fire-starter teacher because of an accidental spark where I lit him on fire.
I did it on purpose. He hit me – again. And I wanted him to stop. The thought ignited in my mind before I could stop it. The patterns formed and the fire wicked up his legs. His screams permeated my thoughts. Even the nasty smell of burning flesh and skin didn’t bring me from my thoughts. As soon as the alarm went off, the darkness inside disappeared and I put the fire out. He received only minor burns; but the fear would be there forever.
I would spend the next three months in a detention center under psychiatric evaluation where I first met Margo. Dr. Margo Silverman, my therapist, and the only person other than my best friend, I trust with my life.
Margo told me who my father was a few days ago. She is my de facto caretaker. A handful of people knew Kai Viddens was my father, and she was one. An agreement between her and my mother prohibited her from telling me. Whatever!
I met my mother outside of Dae’lin’s office. Leanna Sétanta wore a dress that didn’t fit her in at all, and if you asked me, it was not appropriate for meeting your almost 19-year-old son. If she were years younger and didn’t smoke I might have hit that. But she’s my mother, she smokes, and she wore way too much makeup.
The see-through dress made her pasty white skin look blotched and ashen. Her eyeliner was too thick, her blush was not right for her skin tone, and I won’t even comment on her foundation.
My father dressed like he didn’t care about the meeting either. He looked like he didn’t own an iron – wrinkled pants and shirt. I envied the fact my father opted not to wear a jacket or tie.
Dae’lin insisted I wear my best outfit – I owned one qualifying outfit. A pair of black dress pants paired with a black long-sleeved button up silk shirt and an orange tie. She didn’t balk when I wore my leather jacket over top which surprised me.
Everyone looked overdressed for the joint The only redeeming thing about the whole night was I knew our waitress on an intimate level – the bus boy too.
My mother tried to flirt with my father, but my father ignored her attempts. But she kept right on talking like either of us cared. Her incessant chatter allowed me to flirt with my friends. My mother noticed when my hand lingered a little longer on the busy boy’s waist after I’d saved him from crashing to the floor in a heap.
Leanna tried to make me feel bad about it. Did she think her opinion mattered? Or that anyone’s did? I would not up and change because someone berated me for my life’s choices – it wasn’t even a choice; it just was.
My father didn’t make a big deal about it. But the event that brought my flirting to my mother’s notice also gained my father’s intrigue. We discussed my use of bending elements instead of my lack of supernatural speed and agility after dinner before I left with the bus boy for some fun.
What are your feelings about how your mother treated you? -M
I could not care less about how my mother treated me. I didn’t expect her to love me, or want me in her life, or to be in mine. She hasn’t cared enough to visit me in the past 15 years, why should she care now?
What about your father? How does it make you feel knowing he’s been here all along? – M
That pisses me off. I didn’t expect him to get all choked up at meeting me either, but the fact he was right here the whole time – that pisses me off. I could have had a family. I could have been loved by a father. But the bitch of a mother I have didn’t want to burden my father with my existence.